I loved her first.

After straying from blogger, I decided that it is for me. The other blog sites I tried out just didn't impress me, so I am back for good. I can't promise any recipes, craft posts, pinspired projects, life secrets, or anything that will change your life. I just need an outlet.

That being said, I need to get some things off my chest.
When I got pregnant, Lily's "Dad" demanded a paternity test.  When she was born, he didn't come to the hospital; he told my friends who called him that he was busy. For the first few months, he never asked to see her. His Mom was the one calling and asking me to take her to their house. The day before Thanksgiving in 2009, I came home to a stack of papers outlining shared custody and a bunch of legal terms. We had our mediation and "agreed" that he would take Lily every Wednesday and every other weekend. For months after this, he still hadn't come around. Then it was one day here, one day there. Eventually we agreed on him taking her for a few hours on Wednesdays.  She slept over once, and after that I agreed to let her stay the night with him Saturday and Sunday nights. He only has 26 pictures of her on his facebook, none of which he took himself. (I know, this shouldn't be a big deal, but it. is.) He has a ton of pictures of his girlfriend, and twenty-six of our daughter. He has more of his other daughter than he does of Lil. He made sure to get her into VPK/PreK while she was here, but couldn't manage to do the same for Lily. He skips out on child support every now and then, but can afford to visit his girlfriend in Michigan. He can afford to drive out of town to play gigs with his band, but he skips child support payments. It baffles me. He posted this on facebook tonight : "I am currently looking for a babysitter for Saturday night. My band is gigging and I will need someone who can be here all night with my siblings and my daughter, Lily. I can't pay much, if anything, but I will provide dinner/food and a room in the house to sleep in (unless you're fine with being up until 2am). Please message or call me if you are interested."  - Um, NO. Are you kidding me?  I am NOT about to let someone I have never met keep an eye on my child over night. You can bet your bottom that she will be with me Saturday night. This kind of thing happens often. His band has a show almost every Saturday night. So that means his Mom or Step- Dad are the ones putting our child to bed at night. This has to stop. I miss her so much every weekend. It isn't fair to her for her to just sleep at her Dads house when she thinks she is going over there to spend time with him. Now I know I am not a perfect parent. Sometimes she plays with my parents while I catch up on sleep. And some days we just stay home and watch movies, but at least I am with her. He spends their time together on the computer with his gf. They skype, they are on fb, they are on the phone. I know this, because I've seen it. And it breaks my heart. I will be making some changes soon. I would never keep Lil from her Dad if she wants to see him, but I can hope that one day it will get to the point where he wants to see her. I feel like he favors his 5 year old. I feel like he loves her "more". He was around when she was born, and he was an active part of her life when she was a baby. That is not the case with Lily. Maybe that's why he keeps himself distanced from Lil, but that is still no excuse. It is so disappointing and heart-breaking for me to see, and I won't ever let him make her feel that way. I will never allow him to disappoint her or break her heart. He won't ever have the chance. I could go on for hours with this. His friends praise him for being such a good dad, because he posts something on facebook about his kids. But they have no idea. He isn't the worst parent by any means, but he also isn't a good parent when it comes to Lily. I feel this way about everything I have said all of the time. But there is usually something said or done that sets me off. I will leave you with the picture that set me off tonight..

His profile picture is him and his girlfriend. Cool, whatever. His cover photo is his girlfriend and his 5 year old. Where is Lily? Just sayin. Maybe I am being petty and child ish.. so be it.