I am doing the best I can with what I have.

I sat down to write this blog for myself. To just sort of free write and clear my mind of the thoughts that have made a home in my head. The thoughts that are getting comfortable, and hindering my ability to get out of bed most days. So it isnt grammatically correct. I am not even completely sure it will make any sense. But I need to do this for me. And maybe for one person to read and reallly tell me that they get it, and they'll wait. 

 I am overwhelmed, to say the least. And I guess part of me wants to write this to explain why I have been so aloof and absent and flaky and tired for so long. The last two years have been exhausting. I spent a long time learning about myself and learning to accept what is and live with what I have. My mind was clear, I was focused, and I knew how to get what I wanted. Everything changed when I moved back into my parents' house. I have told this story so many times that I have no desire to go into detail here, when I am merely trying to catch a break from the mess in my head. If you're reading this and you want to know, just ask. Anyway, with everything that was going on at home, I truly didn't have time to focus on myself. I kept telling myself, my friends, my parents, and anyone who asked, that I was doing the best I could with what I had. And some days I had nothing. No power; No water; no food in the house; no money in my wallet; nowhere that my daughter and I could stay. I had given all I had, and then some, and still could not catch a break. The most heart-wrenching part about it all is that my oldest brother put myself and my daughter into these awful situations, and I was stuck. I couldn't do anything to make it better. I can tell you that I have learned so much about life and the obstacles that are sometimes put in front of people. I used to be so disappointed with people who "disowned" their family members. I thought surely anything could be worked out. Especially if it was over something as trivial as money. I grew up thinking that, no matter what, my family would be there for me. I learned the hard way that for some people, family truly is just a word. My personal property was stolen. More often than not, something that I had purchased with my own money was destroyed. I was one of three adults in the house, but I was the only person paying the bills with my one income. Minimum wage at that. We went two weeks with no power. Our water had been shut off more than once. I am only one person, with (at the time) one income. I did my best to feed my child and provide what she needed. I have the BEST friends a girl could ever imagine having, and I wouldn't have survived this without them. We spent a night or two with my other brother. We spent two nights with one of my best friends. We spent a night in a hotel, just so we could enjoy some AC and warm water to bathe in. This was not the life I had imagined for myself and my daughter. I did not want to be that person. The one who had a child, but couldn't provide anything for that child. I was working, she was going to school (most days), and we were struggling, but we were making it work. We suffered through so much. I battled it all alone, too. We had a huge problem with fruit flies. I did everything under the sun to get rid of those things. It turns out that my SIL shoved a bag of potatoes behind something in the kitchen and didn't tell anyone. So when she "found" this bag of rotted potatoes, she gloated about finding the source and eliminating the problem. She and my brother never lifted a finger to help. They had four dogs, but eventually two of them found better homes. They never washed their dogs. I had my kitty, and she stayed in my room 24/7. I felt so bad for her, but I wanted her to live, so she stayed in my room. She never had fleas until my brother and SIL stopped bathing their dogs. Fleas were in my room, the bathrooms, upstairs in Lily's room. But it was manageable. Regrettably, I had to give my cat away. She has been placed in a wonderful home, but I shouldn't have had to give up my cat in order for her to have a better life, because my roommates couldn't care for their dogs. We battled a roach infestation. And still today are having small issues.Not unlike the fly situation, I handled these suckers on my own, with absolutely no help from my brother or sister in law. We all three had jobs. My SIL was home more often than anyone, and still could not find it in herself to lift a finger to help me out or even clean up after herself. Please know that every part of me wishes this was an exaggeration. I don't have people over for dinner or drinks or bonfires, because my brother and SIL ruined that for me. Not only were they messy people, but also rude. Not a word was spoken to me, but they'd come into the room to say hello to my friends and make small talk. I spent so much time being so embarrassed not only by my house, but by these people I called family. At some point my other brother had moved out because he couldn't handle it anymore. I was in no position to be able to afford to move out, so I stayed. And I stayed. And I stayed. And things got progressively worse. I wouldn't come home on the weekends since Lily was with her Dad. I'd sleep in my car, or stay with a friend, or I'd just wander around any time I wasn't at work. When Lily and I were home, we kept to ourselves. We'd eat dinner in my room or hers. We'd watch TV in my room. We were never in any "common" areas of the house. My anxiety was through the roof all day every day, and I could not enjoy the simple things. Lily was late to school more often than not. Some days she missed because we were so tired from sleeping in the same bed. Or because the power was off, so we had no alarm clock, and by the time either of us had woken up, we'd missed half a day already. I was taking Lil to work with me. I was missing work to get her from school. She was so well behaved through all of this, and I will never be able to thank her enough for that. If it weren't for her and how calm and understanding she was through the whole process, I would not have made it. We would not have come out on top. I was convinced that maybe I had said or done something wrong. That maybe I was being too hard on my family/roommates. They were struggling with money, so they say, so maybe I should have been more understanding. Because that nice new motorcycle they just purchased had to be paid for every month. They needed gas to get to and from work and the bars and everywhere else. They were lying to our mom saying they didn't have money for food. So maybe I was being too hard on them when I expected rent money on the first, and utility money on the 5th. I couldn't understand where their money was going. My brother makes good money, essentially has two incomes from his one job. And my SIL had a job, so really it was like they had three incomes. And here I am paying my share and theirs on my one income. And I just snapped. The fleas had become so bad that I KNEW we had an infestation. I was drinking A LOT all the time. I was lonely. I was anxious over being in my own house with them. I was hurt by the awful things they'd said to me, and the names they'd called me. My heart was broken when my brother refused a well deserved apology to my daughter. I was baffled when my SIL called me names in front of my child, and I later had to explain to my six year old why her aunt was being so awful to me. I couldn't provide for my baby. It was the most difficult time of my entire life. I thank God that I put aside my pride and told my parents the truth about how I felt about everything that was going on. I am so thankful that my Mom flew 4000+ miles to come home and comfort me and fix the situation. I am still struggling with so much. My brother and SIL have yet to apologize to me for the way I was treated and the names they called me. They have yet to thank me for paying their share of the bulls for 5-6 months. They have said some mean things to my mom and they have yet to apologize to her. They ruined my parents house and they have yet to take responsibility for any of it. My Mom and I have been fighting this flea infestation for months now. We have tried EVERYTHING. The fleas are slowly dying off, and I know if we stay persistent that they will go away. It is just so exhausting and discouraging at times. It is more embarrassing than anything. And more than that, it is frustrating that my brother and SIL haven't offered to help. They started this mess by not taking care of their dogs, and now they can't be bothered to help. And all the money I spent over the 5-6 months to cover their share of bills was what I had saved up to go back to school. I knew I'd have to pay for a few classes out of pocket, and I was prepared to pay for an entire semester in cash. That is no longer an option as all of that money is gone. I struggle every single day knowing that I could be back in school right now. I struggle with the fact that my house is a disaster because I am having to repair what they damaged, and clean up the messes they left behind. I struggle because I miss my friends, but I am always too exhausted to want to do anything. I refuse to have anyone come over because the fleas are still pretty bad, and everything is just really such a mess. I struggle with the fact that this is not the life I wanted to provide for my daughter. I am blessed. I know this. I have more than many people can say they have. But that doesn't mean its all rainbows and butterflies here. It is a daily struggle. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy daily. I am fighting depression every day. I don't give in and I DON'T give up. But sometimes depression and anxiety team up against me and render me useless. It literally takes everything in me to get out of bed when Lily isn't home. Even some days when she is, I literally have to talk myself into getting out of bed long enough to get her ready for the day and get her to school. She won't ever see me fail, that is for damn sure. But she has seen me fall more often in the last two years than I ever have. All of this weight on my shoulders on top of dealing with all these questions in my head over why my long time very best friend walked out of my life without a word. That is the hardest struggle of all. I have so many questions and I truly just don't understand. I won't ever get over it. I may find a way to move on and get past it,  but I will never get over that. The ONE person who promised to be there. The one person who was ALWAYS there, even when he didn't want to be. And he just walked out. So yes, every day is a challenge. I walk with that on my shoulders every day. I get upset when my friends/family don't invite me to whatever they're taking their kids to do. When I do get invited, I usually say no, because that's what my anxiety tells me to say. I get lonely when Lily is gone and I am not occupied with work. I get so stupid lonely that I just disappear into my bed and hide until I have obligations to fulfill. Even then I find it nearly impossible to come out of my hole. I have a hard time being genuinely happy for my friends sometimes because they have what I have worked my ass off for, and I am no where near obtaining those things. I know it will all happen for me in time. I know Lily is proud of me. I know I am doing a damn good job. I know one day I will look back on this time in my life and be grateful for the experience. I know someone somewhere is proud of me for keeping my head up and moving forward. Trust me. I know. That doesn't make things any easier for me. It doesn't make getting out of bed any less of a task than it is already. All I really, truly want is just for someone to say "Ok. I understand". I just want people to see that I reallly am doing the best I can with what I have. I don't want people to be upset when I cant (or don't want to) hang out. Or when I cant make it over to their house, or when I don't call, text, communicate whatsoever. I want people to mean it when they say they understand. That would make things a little easier for me. I hate the anxiety I feel when someone is upset because I didn't keep the plans we had, or because I won't plan ahead. It's so difficult to fully explain what goes on in my head. Its too much to try to make sense of it for someone else when I can barely make sense of it myself. Just know that I am trying. I want to spend time with my friends and be happy for them and have them over for dinner or just whatever. But I am not at a place in life where I am willing to do that right now. I just need acceptance. and understanding. I need time. Time to get my house back in order. Time to work out my frustrations and anxieties and whatever else. Time to myself to find myself. And I need time to get drunk and let loose. I had the BEST time the other night with my best friend, and all we did was throw back a few beers (ok, a few pitchers) and listened to some really great live music, and just enjoyed each others company. I love that girl so damn much and I am so lucky to have her in my life. She understands and accepts and forgives me. She gets me. And I need more of that. SO just, please, be patient with me. I am learning, and loving, and growing, and working on myself and my thoughts and emotions and such. I am trying. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I love everyone in my life unconditionally. My friends mean more to me than they will ever know. Really.  So I am just asking for your patience. I am just asking that you give me time. 

Around and around and around we go.

I sat down with wine and good intentions for this blog. I traded the wine for water, and the good intentions for a half- assed representation of how heavy my heart is tonight.  I just don't think I can even accomplish that. I am miserably sick and plain out exhausted. I won't get into how long I've been staring at this screen trying to find the words to share with you what I want so desperately to get off my chest. I just want someone to tell me that everything will be ok, and that I shouldn't worry. I want to know that love is enough, and love will get us through whatever life hands us. I just need to know that this isn't for nothing. I am too in love to let it go, but I fear that I might have to do just that. Stay tuned and maybe tomorrow if I feel like crawling out of bed I will start from the beginning and fill you all in. Until then, read this short excerpt from The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

 
"It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite."

Goodnight, lovelies.

I loved her first.

After straying from blogger, I decided that it is for me. The other blog sites I tried out just didn't impress me, so I am back for good. I can't promise any recipes, craft posts, pinspired projects, life secrets, or anything that will change your life. I just need an outlet.

That being said, I need to get some things off my chest.
When I got pregnant, Lily's "Dad" demanded a paternity test.  When she was born, he didn't come to the hospital; he told my friends who called him that he was busy. For the first few months, he never asked to see her. His Mom was the one calling and asking me to take her to their house. The day before Thanksgiving in 2009, I came home to a stack of papers outlining shared custody and a bunch of legal terms. We had our mediation and "agreed" that he would take Lily every Wednesday and every other weekend. For months after this, he still hadn't come around. Then it was one day here, one day there. Eventually we agreed on him taking her for a few hours on Wednesdays.  She slept over once, and after that I agreed to let her stay the night with him Saturday and Sunday nights. He only has 26 pictures of her on his facebook, none of which he took himself. (I know, this shouldn't be a big deal, but it. is.) He has a ton of pictures of his girlfriend, and twenty-six of our daughter. He has more of his other daughter than he does of Lil. He made sure to get her into VPK/PreK while she was here, but couldn't manage to do the same for Lily. He skips out on child support every now and then, but can afford to visit his girlfriend in Michigan. He can afford to drive out of town to play gigs with his band, but he skips child support payments. It baffles me. He posted this on facebook tonight : "I am currently looking for a babysitter for Saturday night. My band is gigging and I will need someone who can be here all night with my siblings and my daughter, Lily. I can't pay much, if anything, but I will provide dinner/food and a room in the house to sleep in (unless you're fine with being up until 2am). Please message or call me if you are interested."  - Um, NO. Are you kidding me?  I am NOT about to let someone I have never met keep an eye on my child over night. You can bet your bottom that she will be with me Saturday night. This kind of thing happens often. His band has a show almost every Saturday night. So that means his Mom or Step- Dad are the ones putting our child to bed at night. This has to stop. I miss her so much every weekend. It isn't fair to her for her to just sleep at her Dads house when she thinks she is going over there to spend time with him. Now I know I am not a perfect parent. Sometimes she plays with my parents while I catch up on sleep. And some days we just stay home and watch movies, but at least I am with her. He spends their time together on the computer with his gf. They skype, they are on fb, they are on the phone. I know this, because I've seen it. And it breaks my heart. I will be making some changes soon. I would never keep Lil from her Dad if she wants to see him, but I can hope that one day it will get to the point where he wants to see her. I feel like he favors his 5 year old. I feel like he loves her "more". He was around when she was born, and he was an active part of her life when she was a baby. That is not the case with Lily. Maybe that's why he keeps himself distanced from Lil, but that is still no excuse. It is so disappointing and heart-breaking for me to see, and I won't ever let him make her feel that way. I will never allow him to disappoint her or break her heart. He won't ever have the chance. I could go on for hours with this. His friends praise him for being such a good dad, because he posts something on facebook about his kids. But they have no idea. He isn't the worst parent by any means, but he also isn't a good parent when it comes to Lily. I feel this way about everything I have said all of the time. But there is usually something said or done that sets me off. I will leave you with the picture that set me off tonight..

His profile picture is him and his girlfriend. Cool, whatever. His cover photo is his girlfriend and his 5 year old. Where is Lily? Just sayin. Maybe I am being petty and child ish.. so be it.

Movin' on up!

No, it's not the key to our new apartment, or even a key to a new car. Those things will happen in time. This is equally as exciting for me. The key you see is the key to McAlister's! I got it yesterday and although I can't use it just yet because I don't have a code for the alarm I am still stoked! It is a step in the right direction for me. In just a little over a week I will officially be shift leader and will have the responsibilities of opening/closing alone. I have been trusted with a great new position and I am so thankful for the opportunity. I hope this will be a fun and positive learning experience for me and I look forward to what's to come in the next few weeks! Movin up, y'all!